A Eulogy of Sorts

by courtvanhaaren

This was posted on my Facebook with the intentions of honoring my passed friend. Please help me honor him by taking a moment to read my words and say a prayer for his family. Thank you. 

After my grandmother passed my family went through many changes. While we were moving, as some of you may recall, I made multiple references to my “misfit family”: my mother, brother, sister, Kristen, Ryan, and I.

We were a tiny group, all of us broken in some way, but gained strength through each other as we tried to build ourselves back from what was then the worst tragedy we had faced.

Now, Ryan did not officially live with us, but he helped work the house back up and gave moral support to all of my family with the biggest, goofiest smile on his face. Throughout these last years I really was able to see him for what he was: a kind, supportive, genuine person. He wasn’t my little brother’s best friend anymore; he was my own brother, bonded by love.

I believe that Ryan aided with our recovery, I really do. He shined through the darkest part of our lives. I wish I would have voiced it more often, but I will never be able to thank him enough for all that he has done for our family. I can take a small comfort that my last conversation was serious with him and I did say how much he meant to us. I told him how my grandmother had talked to me about my depression; how she told me she didn’t know what she would do without me here. I told Ryan that the same held for him; I didn’t know what I would do without him here, that every breath that he took was God’s intention, and that my family was glad that he took that breath.

It kills me to know how true my statement to him was. I don’t know what to do without him here. I am not handling him passing well. I have had a deep ache in my chest since I’ve found out. I seem to cry at least once an hour. I cannot accept the idea of knowing that the rest of my life I will not hear his voice or laughter again.

I just want to hear his laugh one more time.

I try to close my eyes and pray, but I come up with nothing but tears.

Ryan was gone too soon with a daughter left behind. His family still needs him. We still need him.

I’m trying to hold onto good memories, I really am. If I try hard enough, I can close my eyes and go back to any of the ridiculous car rides we took. I can perfectly recall how he sounded when he and Brenden sang along to Nicki Minaj. I can hear his comforting words when I was upset.

There is no one like Ryan and there will never be another like him. He was brash, offensive, annoying, loud, loving, caring, and supportive. The list doesn’t end nor does it even begin to capture the true essence of Ryan. He was unique and his light shined differently than others.

I am going to miss him every day for the rest of my life. I love you Ryan. I cannot emphasize this enough: may paradise treat you with what you deserve.